Welcome to my messy writing journey

Tech is all sweet and crunchy until your soul becomes malnourished.

After being wrongfully terminated from my fourth tech job in four-years, I've decided I needed to pivot into something more fulfilling, more me.

What I imagine this writing journey will look like: colorful with an unclear destination.

I can't see myself working a 9-5 job anymore, and I honestly don't think I ever could. Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, there wasn't a career that matched where the majority of us are working today. Imagine me, 6 years old, being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up while I was playing Pokémon Gold on my Game Boy Color. I remember wanting to be famous on or off the stage (thanks, Mom, for theater camp!), but I don't remember mentioning that I wanted to work for a large tech company, for problematic billionaires, while living paycheck to paycheck. A dream come true for me—how did my childhood self not want this?!

I was trying so hard to fit into a mold that wasn't meant for me. A mold where I was to sit at a desk in a corporate setting while playing political mind games every minute of every day, with colleagues who are considered "family." The same colleagues you get lunch with or go to happy hour with, who then throw you under the bus to get ahead—because that's the game. That's the life we're being sold now, and why are we eating it up? Why do we want this as a life? Maybe it was the types of teams or companies I was part of, but it ruined my perspective on what "work" actually is. Who actually wants this so badly that they make other people's lives worse? Better yet, pit others against each other over trivial tasks that realistically do nothing? It wasn't me, and that's why I was unsuccessful.

My biggest downfall, I think, is that I want things to be fair in a game that's designed to be unfair. I try to work towards fairness in everything that I do; maybe it's the Libra in me. I genuinely hate when things are unfair, to the point where my body physically rejects it with ailments (anxiety, depression, throwing up, nausea, lethargy, apathy, etc.). In a corporate setting, I'm typically someone who will advocate for peers to get an opportunity over me because they expressed genuine interest when I felt indifferent (seems normal, right?). However, it's not the case with everyone I've worked with. People will try to take things from you where you'd shine out of spite or insecurity. People in corporate appear to like seeing others fail, which is an insane mentality that I will not subscribe to anymore. To me, it's morally wrong and breeds toxic work environments.

I was told many times that wanting to act, sing, or even write wasn't sustainable unless I was exceptionally talented—which is fair—but I don't think it's completely true. Not that I was ever an exceptional singer or actor (sorry to break your heart, 16-year-old me), I did, however, do well in English class (I'm gay, so it's a trait we all share) & writing courses in college. I even tried writing my first novel when I was 17 and got to page 65 or something in a weekend, but I ended up deleting it completely because it was allegedly "terrible," proving that I'm my own worst critic. I wish I could've been there for my 17-year-old self, just to give him a hug and tell him that even if his writing sucks (lol), it'd still be an accomplishment to be proud of.

What I find to be funny is that there are countless examples of movies or TV shows being produced that end up doing "well" despite being terribly written (any Transformers movie, the Fast & Furious franchise, the last two seasons of Game of Thrones, Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones, The Room, to name a few). The best part? They still make some money, or better yet, they become cult classics. To me, that's sustainable enough to try my worst at writing. Even if I suck & this is another quarter-life crisis moment, which is a likely possibility (apologies in advance, loves), I'll at least feel somewhat human again. I'll finally feel free from the daily performances of corporate Mike, and I'll be able to be just Mike, one my childhood self would be proud of.

So, strap in! This writing journey might suck for us all ;)